This weekend I took Lily to a birthday party. During cake time, I had the opportunity to chat with another mom, whom I had never met. We danced the normal mom chit chat, and it progressed into how she feels her weekends are filled with nonstop going and she wished that she had one day just to stay home and not have obligations. I laughed, and said it's true, and I think the older they get the worse it will be with sports etc. Anyway, the conversation progressed and we talked about what she does, and problems with her nanny as well as the host of the party's nanny. They both work full time, as do their husbands, and they work high powered jobs. One at P&G and the other is employed by a large health care corporation.
The P&G executive has a nanny that not only takes care of her child, but runs all their errands, cooks, and cleans. This helps them out because they both are P&G executives and would not have the time otherwise. (Insert insecurity and jealousy here). I have always had a weird jealousy for the women in high powered positions like these. The admiration that it seems like they are very happy having such a hectic life. The money and power that goes along with it. Wishing I was that put together, I guess. I am really not sure how to explain it, just that I hate that about myself. I hate that it brings up unsure feelings around motherhood and working. All of the issues mothers struggle with and have such strong feelings around. The reason its' discussions are just as heated as politics and religion.
I guess I have some weird insecurity about being a part time employed mom, and it feels ridiculous. I have a weird insecurity that I am only a nurse. That I don't feel like I have that "power" because I am just a nurse. I work in a "womans'" Field. It's ridiculous.
I always tell my husband that when I am at home and the roofers come, or the people who mow our lawn, that I want to run out and tell them that I work. I am not sitting at home while my kids are at school watching them mow our lawn. How ridiculous? I must have some sort of weird need to feel important? Who knows.
Every time I talk to women in these powerful positions, I feel the pangs of jealousy.
I hate that, and it bothers me too that I am not entirely sure what it is that I am jealous of.
I don't want to work 60 plus hours and travel while I have kids. I don't judge her for doing that, she obviously has the means to handle it and she seems very balance and happy (in the 30 min I talked to her). But, I don't think that is what I want.
So for now, I am staying where I am, and I am happy. I am.
My plans when the kids are a little older are to go back to school and figure out what advance path I want to take in nursing. To figure out what it is I will do when they are older, and leave the house. Because I know that I will work until I am in my 60's or later judging the economy.
So for now, I will continue to feel blessed and be happy that I work part time and can be with my kids on my days off.
I guess I can continue to have this weird insecurity that I hate when I encounter these situations.
So there it is, a small window into my insecurities.
Monday, September 29, 2008
Things I Hate About Myself
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8 comments:
I think no matter what home/work situation they have - moms tend to be hard on themselves and have insecurities. We're told staying home is a waste of brains (I deal with that), working is basically saying that you don't want to raise your own children and someone who does a mixture of the two just doesn't belong in either group leaving that person feeling even more isolated.
I don't have any hangups about my choice to stay home with the kids, but I can see why both sides do struggle with it.
You are doing a great job and, in my opinion, you have the best of both worlds. You get to see your kids a lot and have those memories of their early years as well as keep a career going.
It is so true. I have caught myself a few times telling people (usually other Moms)when they ask what I do, I say "oh, i'm just a nurse", or "oh, I only work 2 days a week" like Depending on WHO i am talking to, i have to justify myself and my choices.
At this point, though, I am quite happy saying that I have NO ambition to go back to school, wear a suit, travel, etc, but last time I checked, my job still requires a college level education, and I think because we work part time, we sell ourselves short. I think we do have the best of both worlds. We could easily advance up the career ladder, but at what cost to our family? I think you had a (small)taste of that when Jude got a shoe to the head last week. We really are in a great profession because we CAN spend so much time with our kids now, but still 'keep our foot in the door' of the working world.
Anyway, I hear ya, and when your kids grow up, they will remember the things YOU did with them, and as far as I am concerned, that is what is important.
True enough! I really do feel lucky and glad that I randomly picked nursing in college. But for some reason, I feel inferior when I talk to these women. I do what you said above, oh.. I only work part time, I am just a nurse.
Who knows why. : )
First of all, you are a great mom. Don't forget I had the mom last week tell me how I work part time to pay for my day care- and I now wished I told her off. I think I keep a good balance between work and home.
Although I catch myself saying "just a nurse" also and I don't want to have the need to justify.
First of all, you are a great mom. Don't forget I had the mom last week tell me how I work part time to pay for my day care- and I now wished I told her off. I think I keep a good balance between work and home.
Although I catch myself saying "just a nurse" also and I don't want to have the need to justify.
Carrie must really like what she said!
not really just a retard sometimes! technical difficulties....
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